


Mistakes

by birdybirdnerd



Category: Pendragon - D. J. MacHale
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Unrequited Love, follows the series but with a slight difference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5688265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdybirdnerd/pseuds/birdybirdnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternately Titled: Five Times Saint Dane Almost Admitted His Undying Love For Bobby, and the One Time He was Too Late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lordsmellymort](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordsmellymort/gifts).



> Written back last August as a gift for my editor alphaonefourzero over on fanfiction . net. 
> 
> My first 5+1 fic, and probably not my last. This was fun.

**1.**  


I realized it on Veelox. Well, technically I realized it when we first interacted on Denduron, but I'm being nice to myself by not saying it was love at first sight.  


Well, not _love_ at first sight, per se. More like 'spiritual connection'. Whatever it was, there was a spark, but I didn't understand it, and left it alone until I was sure.  


Which was Veelox.  


I'd finished the games I was playing and left for the flume, my plans complete. The territory was on the verge of catastrophe, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was minorly confused about why you had never appeared, but it was none of my concern. Next stop, Eelong. Then you decided to finally show up with your little ex-army friend.  


Seeing you scared half to death by my appearance was wonderful. The fear in your eyes was _delicious_. However, since your appearance was so sudden and unexpected, I balked. Creating the duplicates gave me a chance to compose myself, and I delved back into the game.  


Mr. Van Dyke came up with the brilliant, albeit rather silly-looking idea to body slam the projections to determine the real me. It was amusing up until I found myself with an armful of you. You looked up into my eyes, your own brown ones brimming with terror, and I knew in that instant what the spark was.  


It was love, and I was terrified.  


I opened my mouth to tell you something. I don't know what I could have said; we were sworn enemies. I wanted to tell you how I felt, bad timing be damned. I wanted to blurt something out, but my mind shorted out from the feeling of you pressed up against me and the heat and the only thing to come out was "Does this mean you're coming with me?"  


I almost screamed. How stupid could I have been? I almost gave myself away! The repulsed look in your face as you pushed away hurt, but I was too preoccupied with getting off that territory and slapping myself into some sense. I ran off towards the flume, and the next second, I was gone.  


This should have been the first clue I was already in too deep.

 **2.**  


For months after the Zadaa incident, I hated myself.  


I lost control, and you almost lost your life. Never mind the fact that not having a true adversary in this whole battle would bore me to death; losing you so early on would have shattered me inside. I pride myself on my ability to mask my emotions, hold them back, and remain calm and cold in the face of frustration. That's how I'd kept my feelings for you secret thus far.  


What happened on Zadaa, in that dusty Ghee compound, was _unthinkable_.  


You may choose not to believe me if you wish, but I honestly just wanted to taunt you. I wanted to rile you up, show you just how in charge I actually was. I may have, completely unintentionally, been planning to, _possibly_ , reveal my feelings for you. I _definitely_ had not been mulling over the words for the past few weeks, and _of course_ I hadn't attempted to give you a clue.  


"Let's put aside all the intrigue this time and show each other how we _really_ feel, shall we?"  


My subconscious rebelled, and that line may have come out a bit more flirtily than I had intended. Thankfully (or not?) you didn't notice. The shock from realizing that the Ghee warrior threatening you was me left your brain no room to realize how the words sounded. That was good. I wasn't intentionally trying to tell you. We continued bantering, if you could call me taunting and you glaring 'banter'.  


"Don't you want to hurt me? This is your chance. No pretense, no illusions. _Just the two of us_."  


"Come now, Pendragon. Show a little _enthusiasm_."  


I cursed myself each time I slipped. Soon you'd recognize the lilt to my voice. Of course, in the heat of battle, you were more focused on not getting whacked by my staff. I thanked Solara for small mercies.  


"That's more like it," I said after you finally took a swing at me. "Rage is such an _exhilarating_ emotion, no?"  


I might have been feeling a slightly different emotion, and decided that fighting you in such close proximity in this heat might actually have been a bad idea. Especially if I didn't want you to know my true intentions with you. I had to do something before my body betrayed me.  


This is where things went wrong. I was planning to knock you around a bit more, then clock you on the side of your head. I would leave the warrior girl to take you away and care for you until you woke up, and things would progress as normal. Then you got 'on my level', so to speak.  


Your words stung. You must have seen it in my eyes, because you pushed further. And further. Each word you flung at me broke my confidence down until I saw that maybe, just maybe, my plans were futile. I was losing. You were right; I had lost four territories already, and my singular win had a good chance of being pulled back. My spirit was almost shattered.  


Then you made a mistake.  


You hurled the Traveler's creed in my face.  


I saw red.  


After the ordeal, I retreated to Solara to look back and see what I'd done. To say I was repulsed was an understatement. I felt physically sick, which was interesting, seeing as I didn't have a physical form on Solara. Throughout this whole battle, I had never planned to hurt you that badly. At least, not physically. Making a fool out of you and breaking your confidence, leaving you with several reminders that I am stronger than you, yes. I knew from the moment I saw you and Loor arrive from your meeting with the Rokador man, Bokka, that I wanted to humiliate you.  


I never, _ever_ meant to lose control like that. I was ashamed and horrified. I knew there would be no chance to tell you how I felt now.  


Was there ever one in the first place?

 **3.**  


After Quillan, I started to wonder if you were truly blind to my intentions. I had made many slip-ups, but our conversation just before the Mr. Pop debacle was the kicker. I finally gave up trying to hide things, but managed to refrain from simply pouring my heart out to you. Despite this, I practically _told_ you I loved you.  


I had been holding out on telling you the origin of the Travelers because I knew it would shatter you. Finding out you're an illusion and don’t actually exist tends to do that. I broke it to you as easily as was possible for me, and put every ounce of sincerity into my following offer. When I said we could build a new Halla together, part of me didn't just mean as 'business partners', so to speak. I meant _together_ , but I wanted you to figure that out yourself.  


I could almost taste victory. I could see in your eyes- you wanted to believe me. You wanted this whole war to be over. You wanted all the pain and suffering to end, and, most of all, you wanted the truth. For a minute there, I actually thought you'd join me, and that possibility filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible (though not for the reason you would have thought).  


Then something changed. You remembered all I had done. You remembered the pain I had caused countless people, civilizations, the Travelers. All the pent up hate and rage you felt for me bubbled to the forefront of your mind, and you rejected my proposal. I felt something new then, something I never thought possible for me. Something worse than falling in love with you.  


I felt regret.  


How could one person make me feel this way? You were my sworn enemy in all this, whom I not only fell in love with, but was now making me rethink my plans for the universe. Part of me still hated you with my every fibre, but another, more rebellious, part was intrigued by you as well. I guess the phrase ‘there is a fine line between love and hate’ goes without saying. You were passionate about what you believed in, no matter that it was being my very opposite. When that passionate hatred was directed at me, I felt I was drowning. I loved every second of it, which is probably why I provoked you as often as I did.  


You were wrong about one thing, though. I _am_ capable of love, I just show it differently than anyone you know. I practically told you I loved you then and there: “Love is at the root of _every_ conflict.” Only a split second later did I discover my slip-up, and tagged on “To say I am incapable of love is a compliment” to cover up. I was partly relieved you didn’t catch it, but my defiant side hoped you would. Then this dancing around it would finally cease and I would have closure.  


That closure may not be the one I hoped for, but one can’t ask for everything.

 **4.**  


On Ibara, I didn’t come close to _telling_ you, so much as _showing_ you. And that would have been worse. At least, with the way I almost acted.  


Explosions rumbled above us, raining rocks down on our heads. The crates of tak were stacked imposingly at the end of the tunnel. The heat and tension were rising. You were being stubborn, as usual, and asking more questions than I felt comfortable answering.  


I admired your willingness to sacrifice yourself to end this battle, but I wasn’t quite ready to give up. I tackled you, stopping you in your tracks. I held you against me, keeping you from detonating the tak. You were warm, almost unbearably so, and I managed to hiss out “Time is not your friend, Pendragon. They cannot hold the dados back much longer.”  


You drove your elbow into my nose, which shocked me more than it hurt. Loor really had done a good job strengthening you, but I wouldn’t be denied. Soon, the dados would break through the last Ibaran line of defense and it would all be over. Until then, I needed to hold you back just a bit longer.  


I grabbed you again and threw you to the wall before you’d gone even a couple of steps. You grabbed a stone and faked throwing at me, which I stupidly fell for. While I was shielding my face, you kicked out with both feet, knocking me back into the side of the tunnel. I grunted at the impact, but launched myself at you. I was too fast for you, and _I would not be denied_. I grabbed you and wrestled you to the ground. You struggled, but my strength far outmatched yours, and soon, you were on the ground with me on your chest. The, ah… _suggestive_ position we were in didn’t escape me, and I had to fight to clear my head. I had to keep you down long enough for the dado army to overcome the island’s defenses, without letting my body betray how much you squirming between my knees affected me.  


This was going to be interesting.  


I held you down with a three-clawed tang knife to your throat and snarled empty words of hate in your face. I saw the fear in your eyes, and it was _mouthwatering_. I wanted to taste it, devour it. Seeing you like this, completely at my mercy, with no way out, turned me on more than I thought possible. Desire clouded my judgement, and I leaned forward.  


Before I could make that last, fatal mistake, the young Ibaran Traveler tackled me and we went flying. We struggled in the dirt for a moment, which was just long enough for you to nock the arrow and aim. I knew it was over, and a split second after you let it fly, I melted into smoke and disappeared. I needed to get far away, fast, and reclaim my dignity.  


I left the scarred and upturned battlefield for a calm, quite place to yell at myself for the lapse of control that could have ended in disaster. 

**5.**  


The taste of victory is delicious.  


Technically it wasn’t victory _yet_ , but it was just around the corner, so I allowed myself to bask. Second Earth was in my grasp, Alexander Naymeer having done his part well. You had foolishly allowed yourself to be caught, and I planned on holding onto you until my victory was complete. Nevva was doing a wonderful job as Gastigian keeping the hopes of the Foundation members up. All was going according to plan.  


I decided, since it was so close to the end, hospitality would make the loss easier for you to bear. I asked how you were feeling when you woke up, I even warned you the lights were coming up, so you didn’t hurt your eyes. I knew you wouldn’t take my courtesy as kindly as I meant for it to be, but I was fine with that.  


By the way, I fully understood your joke. Yes, I found it funny. No, I don’t have multiple suits.  


I also understood the ‘bite me’ remark, and I had to resist the urge to answer a vastly different way than I did. That would not have been good, for either of us.  


Throughout the conversation about philosophy we had, I continued my unending debate on the merits of telling you how I felt. The years had allowed me to rebuild my confidence in my plans for Halla, and I no longer regretted what I did. That said, I hadn’t quite gained mastery over my feelings for you. That was the problem- I still felt so strongly for you that I wished you out of harm’s way when the final ‘bomb’, so to speak, dropped. I felt that you had done your part, been valiant and tried your hardest, and now that I was about to win, it was time for you to stop. It was futile for you to keep fighting like this.  


I tried to drill this into your head, but you persisted, so I revealed the Conclave to you. I told you of my plans, since there was no way for you to stop me anymore. As far as I was concerned, it was over. Your friend Alder joined us, and the show began.  


I commend Naymeer’s flair for the dramatics; he got it from me, after all. He put on quite the show, then threw in a twist that surprised everyone but me. He brought in the rebels.  


Your look of absolute terror as your acolytes and friends were dragged in still gives me chills. Your look of pure determination as you formed a plan was expected, and welcome. What was not expected, however, was you using _me_ as a battering ram to break through the window.  


We fell through the air, and I felt you trying to twist me under you for a soft landing. I could have easily escaped your grip and reversed our positions, despite the pandemonium, but some subconscious part of me still yearned to protect you. I took the brunt of the impact, and immediately disguised myself as Eugene.  


“Stop him!” I shouted, and all hell broke loose. I watched you a moment more before slipping into the crowd and away as you ran toward your doomed friends.  


It was almost time for the grand finale, and you would go down with your side, whether I’d told you what I wanted to or not. 

**+1**  


Defeat hurts most when you think you’ve won.  


I said that you you - how many years ago? Back on Veelox, I believe. And again on Quillan. It does not matter, what matters is only that it rings true. Once you’ve hit the height of your victory, thinking you’ve won the game and it’s all over, the worst possible thing that could happen is to lose it all. It tears you down in a way that is far worse than if you were losing from the beginning.  


Ravinia controlled most of the universe. We were on top of the world, so to speak. I knew you were eventually going to come crawling back and I would have to eliminate you once and for all, but I did not expect one vital thing. I did not count on the Travelers’ strength of spirit. The exiles’ strength of spirit. The _Ravinians’_ strength of spirit.  


That is what brought upon my downfall.  


I could say that I did not expect them to revolt against me. I _did_ , in fact, express my complete and utter surprise at their betrayal, and wonder why, after all I had given them, they still dismantled Ravinia. I had made them kings among their kind, and yet they chose instead to live and toil with the common folk. Maybe you were right all those years- I just don't truly understand humankind.  


After all the battles of will, after all the cunning mind games behind the scenes, it had come down to this. A bloody, one-on-one fist fight between the two of us.  


It seemed fitting, somehow. We were fighting like any two normal creatures of Halla would, with very abnormal goals. What you had done (and what I very soon learned, what the Ravinians had done) had depleted my spirit to almost nothing. I knew that creating the flume on Eelong had done the same to you, so there was nothing ‘supernatural’ about our final clash.  


We traded blow after blow, pushing each other and ourselves from the Taj Mahal to my Solara. Each time we appeared in the dark Solara, I felt its power diminishing. I fought savagely, at this point desperate to beat you any way possible. I had worked too hard for too long to be defeated by a scrawny boy and his rag-tag group of magical friends. But, inevitably, you threw the last blow, too much for me.  


I fell. I could no longer feel Solara, either one. I felt beaten, weak, a feeble old man with no way to restore his energy. I was done.  


I kept my head held high while we passed through the mixed crowd of Ravinians and exiles, though I felt nothing inside. The Ravinians stood too silently with the rebels for my liking, and I had my suspicions about what they’d done. I hoped against hope that they hadn’t, but, of course, I was wrong.  


Standing toe-to-toe with Press was near unbearable. He glared at me, and I him, but I had known him for eons and saw just how torn he was inside about me. About what I’d done. We were closer than any two spirits of Solara had a right to be, back then. Now we were mortal enemies, and I was about to disappear for good.  


Seeing evidence of the Ravinians’ betrayal rocked me to my core. I could not believe it. I had given them everything they wanted and more, and this was how they repaid me? I thought for sure it must have been a trap, or a lie, or something other than what I was seeing in front of me and feeling in my deteriorating spirit.  


I ran to the people, unbelieving, shouting their superiority to the heavens. They stayed silent while I screamed for them to take back what was theirs. They were the elite, the chosen, they didn’t have to live like animals, shackled with the common trials of those less deserving! I yelled my voice hoarse, begging them to _just listen to me, dammit!_  


And as they stood there, silent as death, I felt myself flicker.  


I turned to the Travelers, hoping for some small shred of mercy. I begged them to help me, proclaiming that I was wrong, I was arrogant, we could work together and build a better Halla as one. I looked in each person’s eyes, for hope or confirmation or mercy or _anything_ , and got the same stone silence as those who’d betrayed me had given.  


I ran to Press, hoping that our past bond, our old friendship, meant anything more to him. I near got on my knees, hoping for him to save me without directly saying it. I saw the torn resolution in his eyes, and he said nothing more. I almost ripped my heart out then, rather than go to the last person, the person I’d dreaded and loved since the day I’d met him. The person who’d almost made me give up my plan.  


You.  


I clutched at you, all pretenses gone. “Pendragon,” I gasped, feeling my body stoop and crumble slowly. “My adversary. We are not so different, you and I.”  


I felt my image blink out of existence for the briefest of moments, and I almost screamed. That feeling of not existing, even for a second, is the most terrifying thing in this universe or any.  


“We both want what is best for Halla; we just come at it from different perspectives. Think. _Think_ , Bobby! Together, you and I embody exactly what Solara is about. There is no right and wrong, there is only balance. Together, you and I, we can restore that balance and heal the wounds!”  


You spoke my mind. “The wounds you created?”  


I fell to my knees, crying. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way,” I sobbed. I was fading, I was acting like a frightened child. “I made mistakes. I was weak. I was seduced by my own vision. You of all people should understand that. You know that Halla is imperfect, and I am the embodiment of Halla. Forgive me, please. _Save me!_ ”  


“I can’t,” you murmured.  


“Why?” I cried. “Why can’t you?!” I looked up into your eyes, your deep brown eyes that had seen so much more than someone your age should. Your wonderful eyes that had captivated me since the day I’d lain mine on them.  


I looked into your eyes, and you looked in mine, and you said “Because this is the way it was meant to be.”  


With my last breath, I pushed out the words I'd been holding on to since the very beginning.  


"I love you."  


As you looked at me for the final time, I saw your stern and carefully blank facade crack, and I saw _pain_. You then whispered two words. Two words I never expected, two words I never could have survived from hearing. You uttered those two fateful words, and my world shattered around me.  


_"I know."_  


I screamed, and the universe dissolved.


End file.
